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Tuesday, June 26, 2007
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| .hesaid/shesaid: enabler |
hesaid: david
My wife Carrie asked me if her brother Sam could stay with us "for a while" to get his life together. He's been in and out of rehab for years and has always relied on his family to bail him out. Now the family has decided Sam needs tough love and should make it on his own--all except Carrie. I think she's setting herself up to be hurt. She risks cutting herself off from her family and I worry about the strain on our relationship. I love Carrie and would do anything for her, but bringing her brother into our home is a mistake.
shesaid: carrie
Sam looked after me when we were kids, and we have a special bond. He's been in rehab before but always goes back to drinking. He has a job lined up and wants to live with us until he can afford his own place. I know in my heart that Sam can change, and I can't abandon him when he needs me most. David says my family is right and Sam needs to gain our trust before we can help. We've helped Sam in the past so I’m surprised and hurt that David doesn't support me now.
expertsaid:
The third time in rehab may be the charm for him, but you both need the three-strikes-and-you're-on-your-own plan. This is the appropriate plan of action to stop enabling Sam and help him get well. David, you have a wonderful wife who is loving, compassionate, kind-hearted, and caring. But she is exhibiting the common behaviors of family members who love addicts and don't understand the disease of addiction. Sam needs a sober living house where he can get support from others in recovery who understand his disease. You can be supportive, just don't let him come into your home. Al-Anon is a great program to learn about this disease. Carrie, your husband is right--you'll get hurt if you let Sam stay. He's already causing problems in your marriage and family. Your well-intentioned feelings are indicative of co-dependent loved ones of addicts--you are enabling him. Don't let him manipulate or guilt you. If he withdraws or punishes you, he is still in his disease--even if he isn't drinking. Taking a strong stand on this issue is critical for Sam's recovery and for your marriage.
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