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wednesday 07.18.07
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| .mating in captivity |
Can sex be too safe?
Familiarity can breed contempt in the bedroom, but marriage doesn't have to mean the end to great sex. In her book Mating in Captivity, therapist Esther Perel candidly (and even shockingly) suggests that everything we look for in committed relationships--security, familiarity, and continuity--aren't always conducive to a passionate sex life. Sexual desire and excitement thrive on unpredictability, power struggles, and conflict. How can you reconcile this with a long-term partnership?
We've all heard the jokes that sex takes a nosedive after you get married, but Perel insists there's some truth to that cliche. Rather than tell us that we need to look outside of our relationship for sexual fulfillment, Perel shows us how to re-ignite that spark at home. Perhaps counter-intuitively, she says that getting closer is actually less erotic than maintaining some autonomy in your relationship--not doing everything together, cultivating separate friends, and introducing elements of the unknown.
According to Perel, "love and desire are not mutually exclusive, they just don't always take place at the same time." Couples need to find ways of making what happens in the bedroom distinct from the rest of their day-to-day interactions. One way is to introduce role-play or fantasy into your sex life, exploring dynamics of power and control (or lack thereof). Perel's book shows couples how to acknowledge the comfort of domesticity and still make room for the elements of desire, risk, and mystery that make sex so explosive.
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